Just Go
by RenRenTheGreat
Summary: He was afraid. He was terrified, even. For so long he’d been chasing, he’d finally gotten him, and now… knowing what it was like, knowing how it felt to be loved by him, he didn’t think he could ever go back. But why? Zemyx.


He was afraid

What's this? A birthday fic for my SexyZexy? Holy macaroni!

(Yes I know its like, five months late, shut up.)

Disclaimer: Do you _really_ think I would own Kingdom Hearts? I mean seriously, if I owned it there would be a considerably larger amount of unstraight-ness. AKA, yaoi. Which this fiction is, by the way.

Warning: If you do not wish to see italics be continuously abused, turn back now. If you do not wish to see italics be abused while referring to yaoi, you should also turn back now. Kthxbai.

Just Go

He was afraid. He was terrified, even. For so long he'd been chasing, he'd finally gotten him, and now… knowing what it was like, knowing how it _felt_ to be loved by him, he didn't think he could ever go back. But why? How? How was it that someone as perfect as _him_ could love someone so… so boring? So mundane? So completely opposite of him?

Zexion was confused. Afraid, terrified, confused and yet still head over heels in love. Just what every college student needed the week before exams. Yes, he loved Demyx, yes, he was living _his dream_, but… when would it end…? He didn't think he could bear the suffering that came with it, and certainly not the anticipation of when Demyx would realize that he could do so much better…

The slate haired man stiffened as the doorknob to his dorm room was turned, door creaking softly after it, and instantly picked up the nearest textbook, "Zex…?" He glanced up again as Demyx closed the door behind him, heading towards his roommate with his ever-present grin and flopped onto the couch next to him, "Why are you reading my Marine bio book…?" A teasing smile flicked across the face of the musician, "You can't honestly tell me you're studying for _my_ midterms as well as your own." Zexion instantly blushed, racking his mind for some sort of excuse, anything that would get him out of his predicament.

"You go off on it enough; I'd like to have some sort of knowledge about your random tangents." The lie slipped off of his tongue easily, and Demyx laughed unknowingly, wrapping an arm around his lover's shoulder, and Zexion, quite against his will, found himself moving closer to the body next to his own, desperate for the warmth that the other provided.

"If you say so, Zexy." The smile on the dirty blonde's face never moved so much as a muscle, perfectly contented to remain on the couch with his boyfriend, "So, apart from studying my books, what have you been doing on your day off?"

Zexion shrugged, "Studying," with a single glance back at the other he quickly added, "my books, that is." His mind urged him to break free of the younger's grasp, to escape before his heart could break any more, but he remained, too caught up in the simple moment. Demyx scoffed slightly, emitting another laugh.

"Yes, because you _really_ need to study to ace those exams. Stop mocking us that aren't born talented."

Scowling, Zexion gave him a shove, tempted to knock the other on the head, there was a thick textbook in his hands, after all, "I'd say otherwise, have you _heard _yourself play? My skills are inferior to your own."

Demyx could only smile, pulling the smaller back into his chest, arms wrapped tightly around him, "I love you." He murmured, eyes shut and chin resting on top of his lover's hair. Zexion's eyes widened ever so slightly, and a tear trickled down his cheek. His companion couldn't see, no, Demyx had known him long enough to know he only cried on a rare occasion, when his mom went into the hospital with cancer, and when she died barely even a year later, never from something as small as 'I love you'. "Zex…?"

"'m fine…" he whispered, and the musician's eyes sprang open. He was just going to ask if Zexion was up for take-out Chinese, it was their usual for study nights. Slowly Demyx pushed his smaller lover away from his chest, noting the stiffness over coming him as he did so, to move to the other side of the couch, looking into Zexion's eyes, and his breathing grew shallow as he spotted a single tear.

"Zexion…" In an instant all traces of joy vanished from Demyx's face, and he wiped at the tear marring his lover's skin, "Zexion, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

He remained silent, averting his eyesight, unable to look directly at the other. What was he supposed to say? 'No Demyx, everything's wrong, when are you going to realize that I don't deserve you?' or how about 'Sorry Dem, I'm sick of waiting for you to dump me, just get it over with'. "Go." Zexion whispered, and his companion frowned.

"Go? Go where? What are you talking about?"

Zexion squeezed his eyes shut, knowing without a doubt that, should he look at Demyx, he'd never be able to finish, "I can't take this anymore. Leave, get it over with, find someone better, just _go_…"

Slowly the pieces began to click in his mind and Demyx stood, eyes wide and terrified as he took steps backwards, backing into a small table, tears forming in his eyes, "Leave… you…? Zexion, I don't understand-"

"Of course you don't!" Zexion snapped, eyes opening without conscious thought, and the mere sight of Demyx looking so lost and confused was enough to hate himself even more, "You've never understood, Demyx! Just go already, leave me alone and get on with your life!!"

Tears slipped down the musician's face, and he nodded, resigned and solemn, "Sorry… I'll…" he was cut off by his own sobs, and in an instant turned to flee, leaving Zexion alone in the room, his own cries filling up the emptiness.

"You… you'll thank me Dem…" he whispered to himself, tears trickling across his skin, "It's for you, after all…"

_Forgive me…_

--

Demyx collapsed to the ground the instant the door had been closed, drawing his knees up to his chest to sob, words ringing through his mind. _Just go already_… Clutching his left hand to his shirt, directly above his heart, his right hand, continually shaking, reaching into his pocket to draw out his phone, fingers pressing the tiny keys with no conscious thought, "A-axel…?"

"_Dem? What's wrong?"_

"I…" collapsing into another fit of sobs, Demyx attempted to continue, "Z-zexion and I… we…"

"_Bastard…"_ Axel's cursing was evident even through the phone line, and it was easy enough to tell that he was pissed, _"Listen, I'm in my room, if you want to come over here…"_

"Yeah, I-I'll… I'll be there…"

_When did love start to hurt like this…?_

--

Zexion wasn't sure how long he remained on the sofa, engulfed in his depression, seemingly unable to convince himself that no, Demyx was not coming back, that he'd given up his best friend and lover in a desperate attempt to get the younger to realize he could do so much better. And it hurt. The last time his heart had been in this much pain was when his mom passed away, it wasn't something he'd ever wanted to go through again, and this time… this time he didn't even have Demyx to help him through it all.

His silent melancholy was broken as the doorknob turned for the second time that afternoon, and Zexion could feel his body stiffen. This time, as opposed to Demyx's soft footsteps, Axel barged through, lunging at the smaller student, managing to flip him over the back of the couch before Roxas reached them to pull him back, glowering at Zexion as he did so. In a calm manner, completely opposite of the emotions riding through him, the slate-haired man pushed himself up onto his hands, staring coolly at the two beside him, pretty confident of why they had come.

The room remained silent for a brief moment, Axel desperately wanting nothing more than to tackle the other again, fury spread out on his face, "Why…" Roxas murmured, staring straight into Zexion's eyes, his own clouded with anger and resentment.

"He needed to realize." And that was the only answer Zexion felt he was able to provide without outright lying to his friends (though a portion of his mind argued that they probably _weren't_ his friends anymore, considering the pain he'd inflicted on Demyx). He wanted to tell them the truth, he was sick of lying, sick of hiding every single thought he had… but he was close. Close to providing Demyx with the happiness he deserved, close to letting the blonde slip through his fingers for the final time.

Axel let out a growl, shoving away Roxas's grip and pulling Zexion forward by his collar, "He loved you. He loved you, goddammit, you were his best friend how the hell could you do this shit to him?!" The red-head snapped, and Roxas made no move to tame him, he wanted an answer just as much as Axel did.

"He shouldn't have." The reply was soft, hesitant, as though Zexion himself wasn't even sure of what he was saying, as though he was equally confused as everyone else.

"Sure." It was Roxas's turn to scoff, glaring daggers at the man in his own boyfriend's grip, "He grew attached and heaven forbid anyone love you. Axel's right, you haven't changed one bit." The bitter hatred radiating from the sophomore ate away at Zexion's heart, though it had been exactly what he'd been hoping for. If Demyx hated him, and their friends hated him, perhaps it wouldn't hurt so much… but still… Taking a deep breath, he began to explain himself.

"No. He wasn't supposed to love me; he was supposed to fall madly in love with some girl, someone that could return all of his affections, someone that could love him just as much. It wasn't supposed to be me. Demyx deserves better, everyone knows that…" Slowly his grey-blue eyes were hazy with the pain, with the sorrow accompanying his words, "It wasn't supposed to be like this…"

Axel's grip lessened, and soon Zexion found himself on his own feet again, being gaped at by the two. His tired eyes closed, and he wanted nothing more than to collapse onto the ground, fall asleep and pretend that everything was just fine, that Demyx was still here, that life was perfect again. The dull thud of heavy footsteps shook Zexion from his trance, and his eyes shot open to find only Roxas remaining in the room, hesitating at the doorway with his hand on the knob and the younger glanced at him a final time before disappearing beyond the threshold as well. Hesitantly he stumbled his way back to the couch, falling limply onto it, eyes closed once more. _It wasn't supposed to be this way…_

"I'm _sorry_ Dem…"

_So sorry…_

--

"What am I suppose to do…?" Demyx whispered, eyes dry, having long since run out of tears to shed, "All my stuff's still in there, but I can't go _back_, he made that clear enough." Drawing his knees up to his chest as he sat on the floor in Axel's own dorm room, he stared at the red-head, eyes desperate for an answer.

"I don't know Dem." Axel murmured in reply, collapsing next to his friend, "Get your stuff when he's in classes or something, you know you're perfectly free to stay here if you want."

"I just… I can't believe it!" He croaked out, voice cracking slightly, "It doesn't make any sense, I love him!"

"I know Dem…"

"Why?" Demyx's voice was raspy, "Why doesn't he love me anymore? He always said he loved me. What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing Dem…" Axel's voice was just as soft, "You didn't do anything wrong."

Demyx turned towards his friend, pain sketched onto his features, "Can't you even _try_ to care? Pretend, just like Zexion did?"

"Don't!" Axel snapped, snarling as soon as the words had left Demyx's mouth, "Don't compare me to him. _I_ care about you Dem, something _he_ should have done. Don't look so shocked, Demyx, you _honestly_ thought he'd changed from being the prick he was in high school? You never should have wasted your time-"

"AXEL!!" In an instant Roxas was pulling the red-head away from Demyx, the musician frozen in a state of shock, "Axel, you fucking moron." He growled, slapping the other on the head, scowling, "Did you _honestly_ think that would help?"

Axel folded his arms, scowling in return, "Well, it's the truth-"

"Just shut up!"

Quite against his will, Demyx found a small smile twitching to his lips as he watched two of his best friends, "Man, you are _so_ whipped."

_I want that again…_

--

Zexion's footsteps were heavy, he didn't want to go to his class but he couldn't very well skip it for breaking up with his boyfriend. His heart ached at even the thought of it, and being in that empty dorm room didn't make anything better. It would do him good to get out of there, he figured, get his mind off of the fact that Demyx was gone, off the fact that now all of his friends hated him and once more he was alone. He'd almost forgotten what it was like, being alone, since he met Demyx in junior high he wasn't allowed to be alone anymore, Demyx made sure of that. Even when Zexion had hated him, Demyx would follow him around, always making conversation and never once complaining about how he was being treated. He missed that, Zexion realized with a pang, and he wouldn't get it again.

Eventually he came to a stop outside of his classroom, only to find a bunch of students crowded around the door, with not one sign of his physics professor.

"What's going on?" He mumbled to himself, not expecting an answer.

"Apparently Professor Vexen's sick, so no class." A girl replied, smiling at him. Hastily Zexion scrambled around for her name, eventually remembering her as Yuna.

"Thanks." His voice was cold, and with a final glance at the door Zexion turned on his heel to leave, dread quickly filling his heart. This meant he'd have to spend the time in his empty dorm… Filled with memories upon memories of Demyx.

_What did I do…?_

--

Demyx unlocked the door softly, nearly bursting out into sobs at the sight of the room. What was he thinking, sneaking back to get his stuff? He knew that simply seeing the very couch he'd been sitting on the day before would tear at his heart, the bed he and Zexion had shared for the past year, every inch of the dorm was filled with memories, memories he'd never get again.

Axel had told him that he'd get over Zexion eventually, time would heal his heart and he could move on. But what was the point? Demyx had been chasing him since junior high, he couldn't _remember_ his life without Zexion.

For a while he stood just past the entryway, door long since having closed behind him. He didn't think he could bear to move, already he wanted to scream, but he had to get his stuff eventually. Tears welling up in his clear blue eyes, Demyx took the few strides over to the couch, grabbing his marine biology book and gathering the others. The books were important, no matter if hell froze over his finals were still looming ahead of him and Demyx needed to study. Frantically wiping at his eyes he turned on his heel, swinging the door open and not bothering to shut it.

He was tempted to run down the hallway, to get back to Axel as fast as possible and away from his nightmare. But Demyx forced himself to walk, trying in vain to calm down. And, eyes glancing up, he realized that wasn't going to be possible.

_Please…_

--

Zexion didn't want to go back to his dorm. Why should he? Its not like Demyx was waiting for him there and everything was perfectly okay. So what reason did he have to head back? One word stood out in his mind: finals. Granted, Demyx was right saying he didn't really _need_ to study, but it was the only way his mind could stay occupied since his class had been cancelled.

His footsteps were slow, he didn't pay heed to anyone walking past him, it's not like they were important. As he passed through the twists and turns of the building, purposely stalling for time, his feet shuffling along the carpet and he reached his right hand into his pocket, drawing out his set of keys. Allowing his eyes to look up, he stopped dead in his tracks.

Demyx. Demyx, of all people, was just exiting their room, textbooks crammed under his arm. His blue eyes shifted upward, their eyes meeting in a steady gaze, and Zexion couldn't help but notice how terrible his ex-boyfriend looked. The blue-green eyes he loved so much were red, weary, his hair a mess and wearing the same clothes as the day before. After a moment the musician tore his eyes away, concentrating on the carpet, but Zexion couldn't force himself to do the same. His heart was swelling with pain, and he was having a hard time remembering why he broke up with Demyx in the first place, when he was still obviously so in love…

No words were spoken as they passed each other, Demyx's eyes remained on the ground and Zexion could feel daggers of ice rip through his heart. A few steps away from each other, the keys fell out of Zexion's now loose hand, clattering to the floor, and, as he looked behind him, Demyx didn't even pause to look at him. Bending over to pick up his keys, Zexion was visibly shaking, barely able to stand anymore as he fumbled the rest of the way to his door. Hand trembling, he realized that the door had never been shut, and instead just pushed his way inside, leaving it open as he stumbled to the couch, collapsing in a quivering heap.

He didn't know how long he sat there, willing the tears to come but his eyes remained dry, staring at the back of the couch.

_What happened to my heart?_

--

Tears began leaking down his face again the second Demyx was past Zexion, unable to look behind him when something fell to the floor. He swore he couldn't feel his heart beating anymore, Zexion had ripped it out, stabbed a dagger in his back to carve a hole where his heart had once been. And goddammit did it hurt… Only now was it that he realized that what Axel had always told him was true… When he wore his heart out on his sleeve, it was practically begging for someone to come destroy it. And never had he thought that Zexion would be the one to do it. Not Zexion, not his best friend, not the one person he'd grown to trust with everything.

Where had it all gone, the relationship they'd shared? At one point in time they were near inseparable, both perfectly willing to spend all free time with the other. What had happened to them? He'd given him _everything_, just for the promise of love and devotion. What had happened to their promise?!

Demyx paused as he reached the stairwell, deciding in an instant to head down instead of up. The library would be safe, right? He could study in peace and not have to deal with Axel. _I don't think I can deal with anything else…_ Footsteps tired, he treaded down the stairs, reaching his unoccupied hand to wipe futilely at his eyes. In an instant, everything he'd depended on had collapsed out from underneath him. And he didn't know how to handle that.

_Please say this is a dream…_

--

"What are you going to do?" Roxas tilted his head back, staring at Axel upside down as he lay on the floor.

"About what?" the redhead's voice was coarse and unpleasant, face buried in a textbook.

The sophomore flipped over, eyes staring straight at the elder, "Zexion and Demyx. You can't just let them tear apart."

"I can and I will." He never missed a beat, turning the page as he continued to read the text, "It's not our problem, Rox, and frankly, this is a good thing. Everyone knew Demyx was just going to end up hurt, now he can recover and move on."

"Bastard." Roxas muttered under his breath, eyes narrowed, "Zexion did this on purpose to protect him. If Dem knew that I'm sure he wouldn't waste a second making things better." He shoved away from the ground, tempted to kick Axel off of his seat, settling on just kicking his boyfriend's shin as he stood, "I don't know why I bother with you sometimes."

At that Axel looked up, staring blankly at Roxas, "Where're you going?"

He paused at the door, glancing back, "To talk to Zexion." And the door slammed behind him.

_Someone has to fix this, it might as well be me._

--

"Zexion…? Zex, wake up." A soft voice roused the junior from his slumber, jerking him back into the realm of conscious thought, and brought back all the memories. A small glimmer of hope struck him as a blonde figure knelt right beside him, but as his eyes came into focus, everything came crashing down upon him in one wave of bitter loss.

"Roxas." He mumbled, using his arms to lift his torso off from the couch he'd fallen asleep on, and as his mind wrapped itself around the events that he'd brought upon himself, a swarm of confusion ate away at him, "What are you doing here?" _You're supposed to hate me…_

With the slightest bit of hesitance, Zexion slid his legs off of the cushions, making room on the sofa for his companion to sit, an opportunity that the sophomore took advantage of, "We'll fix this, I promise." Roxas whispered, "You shouldn't have done it Zex, now you're both hurt for nothing. But we can fix it."

The elder shook his head, not once trying to make eye contact with his friend, "He deserves the best, Roxas, we all know it. Now he can know it too." His voice was soft, resigned, and he didn't even bother to hide it from Roxas, "Now he can move on."

"Idiot." The blonde mumbled under his breath, glancing at the man beside him, "Axel's told me all about when you guys were in high school, Demyx adored you even then, but he considered you out of his league. He was in love with you long before last year, and I bet you were too. You think he's too good for you, he thinks you're too good for him. Face it; you're cut out for each other." Without a speck of hesitation, he reached out to grip the hand next to his own, providing a reassuring squeeze, "Come on, you've been moping around long enough, Zex, what do you say to finding Dem and sorting this whole thing out?"

"I can't," Zexion replied, shoulders limply by his sides, "I can't Rox, I just can't. I'll just hurt him again, and I don't think… I don't think I could bear it if I hurt him anymore. He'll be fine, just as soon as I get out of his life for good. Things will be better if I just stay away."

His only answer was a deep sigh, as Roxas shook his head, "I swear, the two of you are hopeless. You know what I don't think? I don't think that anything could possibly hurt him more than this little stunt you pulled. Because as long as you're with him, he can survive anything. Just last week he was telling me how he'd never been happier in his life, how can you possibly say that you love him when you're taking that away from him? Think about it Zex, I'll find Demyx for you." Tightening his grip once more, he stood to leave, smile gracing his face.

"Roxas…?" He turned around to face the junior, and his smile grew, "Thanks… for everything."

"Anytime."

_Now just go._

--

"Demyx? Demyx, are you in here?" A door creaked open, Zexion peering through the crack as he looked for the younger. Finally he spotted him, stretched out on the sofa with a blanket draped loosely over him. He treaded silently towards the blond, tucking the blanket around him as he watched the other sleep, "I'm sorry." Zexion whispered, running his fingers through his former lover's hair. With a sad smile he turned to leave, only making it halfway across the room before Demyx made a noise.

"What… did I do?" Demyx's voice was barely above a whisper, but Zexion heard it perfectly, stopping where he was to turn around and face the blonde, "Why do you hate me now? What did I do to turn your love to hate?" The younger sat up from his position on the couch, the blanket pooling at his waist. His eyes, unusually dull, were rimmed with red, hair disheveled and unruly. He looked _terrible_. Disheartened, terrible, and absolutely _beautiful_.

"Nothing Dem." Zexion whispered in reply, "Its not you, its _me_."

The blonde let out a sad cackle, head lifted as though he was laughing at the heavens themselves, "Like I'm going to believe that. Please, that's the oldest excuse ever, it won't work on me. Tell me the truth."

Two eyes flared behind slate hair, and Zexion's right fist slammed against the plaster wall, "You're too loud, obnoxiously loud and you never stop playing your fucking music. You can't keep the room clean, it's impossible to _walk_ through our bedroom, you leave your books scattered throughout the apartment and forget to take them to class." As Zexion spoke, Demyx felt his heart shatter, each of his flaws exposed for the world to see, "You can't keep track of time, you're always late for everything, and you can never keep a job for more than a month. You eat too much, sleep too much, you won't leave people alone and you won't take no for an answer." Demyx jerked his vision away, unable to bear the anger radiating off of the elder.

"I get it," he sobbed, hands clenching at the blanket, breathing erratically, "Just stop."

"No," came the cool reply, and Demyx gasped for air between his sobs, "You're always ready to help, whether someone wants it or not, you're reliable and trustworthy and loving and everyone's friend. When you play, you're so concentrated, and focused and I'm always tempted to ravish you right there because god, Dem, you're stunning and beautiful and I love you! I hurt you, I know I did, love, but I was trying to protect you because I love you so goddamn much. I don't deserve you, Dem, that's why I did it. You needed to see that, so that you could move on and I could love you from a distance, where I couldn't hurt you." His eyes softened, and he resisted the urge to sit next to the blonde, to take him in his arms and shelter him from the world, "I'm not asking to get back together Dem, I have no right to ask for a second chance. I'm here to tell you that I do love you, honest to god, I've loved you since high school and I still love you. I'm in your hands, Dem, what you say goes."

Silence reigned for a few moments, each second tearing at Zexion's heart, "How could you?" Demyx finally whispered, eyes betraying the agony burning in his chest, "You… you break my fucking heart, and you're asking for forgiveness? You're telling me… you did it for _me_? A simple "I'm not good enough for you Dem" would have sufficed, you didn't have to _hurt_ me to _protect_ me." The elder winced, a lump in his throat and he nodded, solemn and resigned, turning to leave,

"Wait." The blond commanded, causing his to stop in his tracks, "Turn around, Zexion, I'm not done yet. You have _no_ idea how devastating this was, to have my one true fucking love drop me like yesterday's newspaper. I've always loved you Zexion, _always_. From the moment I first saw you way back in grade seven, I _knew_ you were unattainable. I strove to become your friend, and at some point in time I fell in love. And to have you throw it all away because you _thought_ I was too _good_ for you? It was always you, _always_, that didn't need me, you who were too beautiful, too perfect. I never knew why it was _me_, obnoxious, obtrusive, messy, scatterbrained me who you fell in love with, but I thanked my lucky stars everyday that you did because I _need_ you, I can't _live_ without you. But _you_. You've _never_ needed me Zexion, I've always known that. I've know that since day one, but I left myself open and vulnerable anyways. I was willing to _change_ if it would make you love me, because you were worth it." He still spoke in a whisper, eyes burning the image of Zexion into his brain, examining every little detail of the elder.

"I was happy. Happier than I've ever been, happier than you could ever know. I don't deserve better Zex, because you're everything I need. I love you Zex. Didn't I tell you that yesterday?" Demyx's eyes were pleading, tears having long since dried on his cheeks, "Please."

Cautiously, Zexion took a hesitant step forward, followed by another and another until he was standing directly in front of Demyx. He stretched his right hand out, index finger smoothly tracing the younger's features until Demyx caught the hand in his own, stretching upwards to connect their lips, "I love you."

_And so ended the worst day of his life._

The ending's icky. But whatever. ):


End file.
